American Pies, Manchester & Lymedale Bar & Dine, Newcastle-under-Lyme

As it’s very difficult to tell from the news whether what we’re experiencing at the moment is a heatwave or just the gates of hell opening, surely only a madman would embrace a hearty three course meal in a hot pub, before heading off to a terribly earnest comedy gig at a lefty political conference in front of an audience furiously fanning themselves while they wait for Mark Thomas. Well, you probably didn’t come here expecting sanity, and these days you’re much more likely to find it if you jump on one of Mr Musk’s spaceships. As long as it doesn’t explode.

Speaking of unfortunate American imports, a few months back I was playing Manchester’s excellent Frog & Bucket Comedy Club along with top Scottish compering talent Joe McTernan. Joining us was his better half, lovely gel* Abi Carter-Simpson, who I last worked with in the far, snowy reaches of northern Norway, where I’d quite like to be right now. For lunch, I had suggested a trip to my favourite northern outpost – The Parkers Arms in Clitheroe – but Abi and Joe said they’d found this pizza joint round the corner which was big on Instagram and they’ve got more followers than me so I said yes.

American Pies is exactly what you’d expect a restaurant which is big on Instagram with ‘American’ in the name to be like, which you will be unsurprised to discover I am not of the opinion is a particularly good thing. They had a picture of Ferris Bueller in the gents which I liked. The staff were uniformly pleasant in an interestingly pierced and novelty tattooed way, as they waved their iPads at us while they took our order. To be honest, I was going to write about it at the time, but I have spent most of the summer rebuilding the front of my house and just didn’t get round to it. As a result, I’m slight wracking my brains to remember what we had, but their signature dish is the deep pie pizza. Now, call me a rabid Italophile, but I think there’s a number of reasons the Neapolitans invented the margherita pizza. And one of those, to borrow a phrase from another group of Italians, is you don’t fuck with it. Another is you don’t stick it is a deep pan flan casing so it looks like a quiche which has had an accident. We also shared some cannelloni spring rolls which was a marginally less successful marriage than my first one, some rather insipid buffalo wings and a lasagne which would not have looked out of place on the Tesco value range. Possibly even Aldi.

Look. I’m sure it’s great to be big on Instagram. I know it would help my career if I was, but I’m pretty sure the product I deliver is reasonably good and that should be the end in itself, especially when you’re asking people to engage with what you’re producing. We all agreed it was, at best, underwhelming, and at worst, came to £120 for three of us. I mean, the company was excellent, but I think I got the biggest laugh (who said comics were competitive?) of the afternoon when I said to Abi, ‘We should have gone to Clitheroe.’ As I said, lovely gel.

Which is where today’s trip comes in. I’m performing tonight at the Byline Festival at Keele University, which I am thoroughly looking forward to, even if it promises to feature every comedian’s little known bête noire – the well-meaning audience who are more likely to nod furiously than laugh, (although given that it will probably be hotter than GB News’s latest take, who can blame them?)

As I stayed on campus last night, I ventured into nearby Newcastle-upon-Lyme for lunch, armed only with Google Maps. It seems unfair to name them, but I decided against my first choice on arrival, mainly because it was advertising cocktails, the front doors were thrown open and the décor and music seemed to indicate it was cosplaying as a nightclub at 3am despite it being midday. And so I found myself en route to Lymedale Bar and Dine. If I’m completely honest, I nearly gave this a swerve too, but I’m so glad I didn’t. Situated off a main road, down what appeared to a back alley near a slightly dodgy looking motel, I hope they won’t mind saying it did not look too pre-possessing on first glance. But the reviews (all 109 of them) were universally good, so in I went. Inside is so much nicer – a big airy, comfortable pub, with a relatively understated modernist vibe. Billy, behind the bar, could not have been more helpful and I must thank him especially for recommending the salt and pepper chilli chicken which was, frankly, banging. Succulent strips in a properly punchy crumb with a crunchy salad and sweet chilli dressing. I mean, just really, really nice to eat. Because I’m an idiot, I then ordered lamb shank as I thought it might be my last proper meal of the day, it was very hot, very tasty, and came piled with good veg, mash and gravy, which is what I am now basically sweating.

I wasn’t going to have a pudding, but everything else was so good I went for the lemon meringue nest on the quite reasonable grounds it came with quite a lot of ice cream. Very sweet, but very delicious. And (thank the lord!) cold.

All in, with a couple of drinks I paid £36 for a truly excellent lunch, in very convivial surroundings which very much mitigated my initial scepticism. If I have any criticisms they probably centre around a lack of aircon, and the fact that while it fell beautifully off the bone, the lamb was still ever so slightly tough, (but enormously tasty in a proper ‘home-cooked’ way too.) Oh, and the meringue came on a plate so flat I lost a bit of my ice cream to the table, but I think I’ll live.

This place is absolute proof that image is not everything – something Instagram might do well to remember. And if you can read between the lines of Google Maps, it is becoming easier and easier to stumble on hidden gems, of which I would say Lymedale Bar is definitely one. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to leave a 110th Google review, before driving around in my car for a couple of hours because at least it has a fan before going on to talk to a load of champagne socialists who still don’t realise Keir Starmer is nowhere near as disappointing as an Influencer Pizzeria.

July ‘25

*private joke 😉